Nina McVay is a student at University of North Carolina Wilmington, double majoring in Biology and Anthropology, and expecting to graduate in 2023. She enjoys cooking, spending time outside in the sunshine, and listening to BTS. Her team won a Silver Medal for Women’s Sitting Volleyball in the 2017 Youth Parapan Games in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

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“I thought my world was ending because my body changed”

Making peace with my body after my accident wasn’t one steady climb like how I imagined, it was more of a rollercoaster with many highs and lows. I was 16 when I lost my leg, I remember thinking to myself that I had just then started truly loving my body before the accident and I had to start all over again.

I took a few months to process, grieve, and more or less make peace with my amputation and all the other health side effects that came with it. But instead of just sitting there in my own pity party, being sad, and thinking of everything my new body couldn’t do, as tempting as it was, I focused on the things I could do. I could exercise my upper body and increase my stamina to make moving around on crutches or in my wheelchair easier. I also changed my diet to get more protein and carbs to keep my healing body fueled.

Once my residual limb was fully healed, it was finally time to get a prosthetic and learn how to walk. I took my first steps in between parallel bars, holding on for support and balance for the first time in 4 months. At first, I was so proud of my body for healing and being strong enough to hold me up. Then I got frustrated because I had bad balance, I still couldn’t walk on my own, it hurt to stand up for too long. I guess I expected my prosthetic to be more similar to a real leg than it actually is. So I started working hard again to build my stamina, walk with better balance, and a more smooth and even gait.

Exploring downtown Wilmington North Carolina

These ups and downs keep continuing, but now it’s more frustration with how good I am at something or how the public treats me differently. “I can’t run very fast”, “my left thigh is smaller than my right”, “why do only I have to get medical approval before skydiving?”. (I know that last one is just a formality for everyone’s safety - still frustrating that my body is an obstacle to things I want to do). I have to remind myself that not too long ago, I was frustrated because I couldn’t walk or because I needed assistance just getting to the bathroom.

Five years ago, I thought my world was ending because my body changed, I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do, and my future was uncertain. I felt like I would take 1 step forward and 2 steps back with my health and therefore making peace with myself. I had the days when I would look in the mirror and see a tired, scarred and 1-legged body and get lost thinking about the life I could’ve had if only my accident didn't happen and I still had 2 legs. But now at 21, 5 years since my accident, I look into the mirror and see the strong and resilient body of a girl who never gave up. Yeah, I look a little weird. I still have scars, I’m often tired, and my right calf is bigger than my left, but my right thigh and butt-cheek is smaller than my left which makes finding jeans that fit a nightmare.

My advice for anyone whose body has “failed” them or suddenly changed is to first grieve your old body. Take the time you need to process those emotions you’re feeling, but don’t get lost in them. Embrace the highs and lows in the process of finding peace. Lean on your friends or family for support. Then once you feel ready, focus on what your new body can do and maybe even challenge yourself, you’re stronger than you think. You may even find a cool new trick, like pointing toes you don’t even have anymore.

Nina in Loch Lomand Scotland in 2019 before the Pandemic brought her home.

If you’d like to engage with Nina about adaptation to a challenging life event or her journey to physical recovery and peace, please email her: nimcvay@gmail.com.